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The Car Wash
Dec. 13th, 2020 08:29 pmMy car had not been washed or cleaned in any way since the spring lockdown. So this morning, I took it upon myself to clean the insides of both my sedan and my husband's hatchback. This way, we could just go to one of those drive-thru car wash machines at the gas station and finish the job easily. So I got out the vacuum cleaner, the Windex, the Nature's Miracle (you'll see why in a minute) and headed out to the driveway, car keys precariously in hand.
My car was pretty okay; there was some serious dirt on the floorboards, but mostly it just needed some dusting and the windows, side mirrors, and rearview-camera screen cleaned off. A couple bits of trash hiding under and between seats to retrieve, but really not much that needed cleaning out.
And then, reader, I got to the hatchback.
To get an idea of how filthy the hatchback was, inside and out, picture that Goofy meme that says "Bitch, you live like this?"
Now imagine that, as a car. The seats, which I had kept nice and neat before we got the sedan and the hatchback became His Car, were badly stained. The armrest had a thick crust of dried-out arm sweat. The steering wheel was so caked in sweat residue that it had a tacky feel, and where the center of the wheel was still a nice charcoal-gray, the rim of the wheel was BROWN.
I couldn't even clean the actual car itself until I'd spent 20 minutes getting all the trash out of it. Then I soaked the upholstery in Nature's Miracle and let it sit while I cleaned the windows.
My husband had said that I'd never be able to get all the filth off the armrest because it was soaked in. Most of it? Came right off. And it was the nastiest thing you've ever seen. I'm glad I used paper towels instead of cloth rags because that sweat turned them diarrhea-brown.
Ditto on the steering wheel. I got as much of it as I could stand to, and it's still tacky. But at least much less of it is brown.
It took a full fucking HOUR just to make the interior of that car not look absolutely horrible. It wasn't even hot outside and I was soaked in sweat by the time I was through, and no shower ever felt more necessary nor more rejuvenating.
Husband has promised to wipe down the steering wheel with lysol wipes every couple weeks. I consider that a small victory.
My car was pretty okay; there was some serious dirt on the floorboards, but mostly it just needed some dusting and the windows, side mirrors, and rearview-camera screen cleaned off. A couple bits of trash hiding under and between seats to retrieve, but really not much that needed cleaning out.
And then, reader, I got to the hatchback.
To get an idea of how filthy the hatchback was, inside and out, picture that Goofy meme that says "Bitch, you live like this?"
Now imagine that, as a car. The seats, which I had kept nice and neat before we got the sedan and the hatchback became His Car, were badly stained. The armrest had a thick crust of dried-out arm sweat. The steering wheel was so caked in sweat residue that it had a tacky feel, and where the center of the wheel was still a nice charcoal-gray, the rim of the wheel was BROWN.
I couldn't even clean the actual car itself until I'd spent 20 minutes getting all the trash out of it. Then I soaked the upholstery in Nature's Miracle and let it sit while I cleaned the windows.
My husband had said that I'd never be able to get all the filth off the armrest because it was soaked in. Most of it? Came right off. And it was the nastiest thing you've ever seen. I'm glad I used paper towels instead of cloth rags because that sweat turned them diarrhea-brown.
Ditto on the steering wheel. I got as much of it as I could stand to, and it's still tacky. But at least much less of it is brown.
It took a full fucking HOUR just to make the interior of that car not look absolutely horrible. It wasn't even hot outside and I was soaked in sweat by the time I was through, and no shower ever felt more necessary nor more rejuvenating.
Husband has promised to wipe down the steering wheel with lysol wipes every couple weeks. I consider that a small victory.
